So this may come out
a bit like a journal. I want to address my recent emotional state. This is not
directed at any one person in particular nor did any one person cause me to
write it. It is all merely something that is on my mind. Everybody keeps asking
me if I am ok or how I am. I feel grateful that so many people care and I feel
loved knowing they care enough to worry. I also hate that people worry about
me. I will state for the record, as I always do, that I really am fine. This
reminds me of my mother’s definition of the word: Freaked out, Insecure,
Neurotic, and Emotional. Not an original definition by any means but one I
first learned from her and one she got a kick out of. I am both definitions of
the word. Life is progressing as though nothing happened. It is not like I can
ask the universe to pause while I figure my head out. So I have accepted this
and am moving right along. To be honest, when everything happened I didn't
really feel anything. Even when I traveled to bury my mother I mostly just went
through the motions. I tried to be there for my family but I myself didn't feel
much. I sat through the catholic funeral and paid very little attention (sorry
Grama) because I don't like catholic ceremonies or any church really. I don't
think I believe in the traditional sense of god and therefore feel extremely
bored and uncomfortable in a church.(again, my apologies if my grandmother reads
this) But as I watched everybody cry and thanked people for coming, I just
wanted to be anywhere else. Not to deal with my grief but to escape the
discomfort. Thus I just assumed I felt nothing. One could assume that because
of my relationship with my mother it should have affected me the most when she
died. It could also be assumed that due to our issues I would have felt the
least. Part of the problem is that I have been trying to figure out what I
should feel. It's almost like religion; I want to believe but can't seem to. In
this case, I want to feel something I just don’t know what or how. Then the
other day I was watching Criminal Minds and one of the characters made a very
good point. He said not knowing what you feel doesn't mean you feel nothing...
And it hit me. I do feel. I just don't know what it is. Some days I am
completely fine and others I cry over nothing. There are days when it is an
effort putting one foot in front of the other. Today, 3 songs came on my iPod
and each was like a punch in the stomach. But I just turned them off and moved
on. It's the only logical thing to do. Now some people think I should see a
therapist. And maybe I should. But over the course of my life that has never
helped and I just don't want to at this stage. So maybe I'm not completely
dealing with my grief, as I assume that is what I am experiencing. And again
maybe a therapist would help me figure out exactly how I feel and help me to
deal with it. But as I said, the world doesn't stop. It doesn't even slow down.
So it should all pass right? I suppose I am in denial and burying my head in
the sand. I've had lots of practice and ignoring these things is what I'm good
at. But I want to let you all know that I'm not really hiding. To those who
think I'm really hiding or not feeling anything I assure you that the pain is
there. And to those who worry that I'm ignoring the pain, it may appear that
way but I know it's there and I am living with it. And for those who worry that
I'm not really ok (yes I have people in y life that each believe opposite
things of my emotions) I swear I am. I am following the universe and
progressing. For now, I think I am mostly just figuring it all out. But fear
not, I always over-think things and my emotions are no exception to this
treatment. This post may seem a bit rambling, which would make sense
since I wrote it on the subway. It is more of a stream of consciousness post
than what I usually write. But after rereading this, I feel as though what I’m
feeling is normal and am less worried myself. So that is my deep post for the
month. The rest will be lighter, I swear!!
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