First,
I should explain why I am writing this post; a little background if you will. I
was baptized and raised in the Protestant faith. I attended Sunday school with
rather good attendance until I was 15. That year, I made my confirmation in the
church. This is a sacrament that is a little different than in the Catholic Church,
but still along the same lines. As a child, I was active in my church. I joined
the choir and youth group, participated in the pageants, and even helped out at
various events. I also paid attention in my Sunday school classes and excelled
at my religious studies. I can still recite many of the prayers, know the gist
of a great deal of the bible, and I even remember some of the hymns. I did not
object to waking up early on Sunday or giving up random week nights for
practices, meetings, and events. I also did not truly understand the meaning
behind it all. I went to church because that’s what I was told to do. I
participated because it was fun for me. I listened to the reverend each Sunday
but never truly grasped the depth of the faith. Christianity, or any religion,
is a serious thing. For me, it was all superficial. I went always “believed”
because I did not know there were other options. God existed for me because
that’s how I was raised. As I got closer to the age of 15, many things in my
life changed. I, of course, changed too. I grew up. It happens to all of us. In
growing up, I became less excited for church. It became an obligation for me. I
agreed to continue until I made my confirmation. I did not get involved any
less, but I also did not believe in God as easily. I don’t think I can really
explain my thought process, but I do think I started to think more instead of
just following along. Upon making my confirmation, I was allowed to stop
attending church. This was something I was excited for because I was sick of
waking up every Sunday to listen to people blather on about something I wasn’t
sure I believed in. I did, however, make a promise to my mother. She would not
make me go to church as long as I believed in a higher power. It did not have
to be the Christian God per se. It just had to be. So in an effort to keep my
promise, I began to research (thanks to the awesomeness that was the internet)
various religions. And this is where my theological discussion comes into
place.
This
blog post may seem like it is going back and forth. That is because I don’t
have the answer to any of these questions. I can throw facts at you, or tell
you what each faith believes, but that won’t accomplish anything. I’m not here
to preach, mostly because I wouldn’t know what to preach to you. I often find
myself envying the people in my life for their unassailable faith. I sometimes
worry that my brain is too logical and literal, and thus prevents me from
believing in a higher power. I can see merit in the big bang theory or even can
follow the idea of a creator. The concept of a God, however, baffles me. I have
said more than once that I want to believe in something I just don’t know how.
And truthfully, I don’t know what. I think this is a big reason I am against
organized religion. I still think about having a wedding in a church, and if a
baby is born in my family I ask when the baptism is. But are these just because
that is how I was raised? Who says you have to subscribe to one religion? Can’t
we mix and match? The Catholic Church is very set in its ways and leaves little
room for leeway. Yet the same can be said for most organized religions. I have, or planned on having multiple tattoos that can be construed as religious. I have a ying yang, and Celtic knots. I also have drawn (and plan to get) a pentagram, ohm, and Celtic cross. Each tattoo will represent a part of my life that is important. When I
was a senior in high school, we had a project where we had to create our own
utopian society. I don’t remember much, but in my society I created a religion
that was a blend of Buddhism and Paganism. At the time, I was obsessed with the
show Charmed and loved everything about “witches”. As the years have gone by, I
always find myself drawn to the religion of Paganism. I have learned that it is
an umbrella term for many different things and often times a Pagan will mix and
match. Perhaps that is what has appealed to me the most. I still have trouble
with the concept of a deity, which many Pagans believe in. However, I find that
I can relate to a path that combines the natural connectedness of Paganism with
the balance of Buddhism (which is more of a philosophy than a religion). I
follow the Wiccan calendar and try to give thanks on each of the Sabbats.
However, I don’t pray to a god and have trouble believing in anything more than
I can see. I merely, send out thoughts
to the universe and try to respect the world I live in. I try to incorporate
moderation into most of the aspects of my life as well. I suppose my biggest
question is why isn’t it enough? Do I have to believe in a god of some kind? Is
it bad that I don’t have faith? Is it enough to have a fascination with Wicca
and believe in the power of nature? Just because what I think doesn’t fit into
the box of an organized religion, does that make it wrong? And last but not
least, am I just confused because I am still young? Will this all change with
time?
If you
have gotten this far, I want to thank you for sticking with me in this post. I
know my thought process is not very linear. This is something that I think
about often. I don’t think there are answers for all my questions. And I don’t
know if answers will help. I am still learning how to control what I think.
Perhaps when I gain that power, I will be able to understand what it is that I
truly believe. For now, I will continue to explore and follow the path I have
been on. Who knows, it could lead me somewhere great. So for now, to all my
readers; Blessed Be, Namaste and Amen.
