Have a Little Faith

       

        I want to take a moment and step away from the normally frivolous nature of my posts. I want to have a theological discussion. Or perhaps it is philosophical. I suppose it will be either, depending on your point of view. I want to discuss the taboo issue of religion. I say it is taboo because when it comes to religion, many people walk on eggshells. Or at the very least, they become very set in their opinions. Religious discussions often result in debates, harsh words, bitter thoughts, and in the macrocosm of things, it even leads to war. It is not that people are wrong in these discussions; it is just that each individual chooses a side. Once the line is drawn, each side will not bend in their beliefs. It is sometimes hard to find an open mind on the subject of religion. Now I am not preparing to tear apart any specific religion. In fact, I do not intend to speak ill of religious beliefs of any kind. Let me say here and now that this post merely holds my own opinions, questions, theories, and beliefs. I am not here to judge or put down anybody. And now that I have added my disclaimer, let us begin…

                First, I should explain why I am writing this post; a little background if you will. I was baptized and raised in the Protestant faith. I attended Sunday school with rather good attendance until I was 15. That year, I made my confirmation in the church. This is a sacrament that is a little different than in the Catholic Church, but still along the same lines. As a child, I was active in my church. I joined the choir and youth group, participated in the pageants, and even helped out at various events. I also paid attention in my Sunday school classes and excelled at my religious studies. I can still recite many of the prayers, know the gist of a great deal of the bible, and I even remember some of the hymns. I did not object to waking up early on Sunday or giving up random week nights for practices, meetings, and events. I also did not truly understand the meaning behind it all. I went to church because that’s what I was told to do. I participated because it was fun for me. I listened to the reverend each Sunday but never truly grasped the depth of the faith. Christianity, or any religion, is a serious thing. For me, it was all superficial. I went always “believed” because I did not know there were other options. God existed for me because that’s how I was raised. As I got closer to the age of 15, many things in my life changed. I, of course, changed too. I grew up. It happens to all of us. In growing up, I became less excited for church. It became an obligation for me. I agreed to continue until I made my confirmation. I did not get involved any less, but I also did not believe in God as easily. I don’t think I can really explain my thought process, but I do think I started to think more instead of just following along. Upon making my confirmation, I was allowed to stop attending church. This was something I was excited for because I was sick of waking up every Sunday to listen to people blather on about something I wasn’t sure I believed in. I did, however, make a promise to my mother. She would not make me go to church as long as I believed in a higher power. It did not have to be the Christian God per se. It just had to be. So in an effort to keep my promise, I began to research (thanks to the awesomeness that was the internet) various religions. And this is where my theological discussion comes into place. 

               

Now, ten years after that conversation, I am not sure I can keep my promise. In my search, I have come across so many faiths. There are umbrella religions, sects, divisions, philosophies, etc. How do you know which one you can truly believe in? I will not be so naïve as to actually ask which one is real. Every person reading this will have a different answer to that question, just as you will all have a different opinion on this topic in general. I alone have had more than one debate with a friend of mine on the subject of religion. In fact, I am surrounded by it all the time. My grandmother is a devout Catholic. She attends mass every week, and participates in all the major religious holidays. My aunt does not attend church every week but is extremely spiritual and believes in fate, angels, and God. I work with multiple people of the Jewish faith, some of whom abide by the strict codes within the belief system. I also work with people who are currently fasting for Ramadan. My best friend is Christian of some kind. She says she is not religious but she is spiritual. I do not completely understand the specifics of her faith but I know that her faith is something very important to her and plays a large part in her life. Organized religion is everywhere, and I think that may be my problem. Since I have left the church I have been searching for something to believe in. Now some people may read that sentence and assume that leaving the church was my first mistake. I do not regret that decision. While I was still a teenager and couldn’t possibly have known where my life would go, I knew that attending a church service where I doubted everything was hypocritical. Being 10 years wiser, I stick with that decision. I also still doubt the existence of “God”. Blasphemous, I know. I have read countless articles about the varying faiths. I have taught myself a little about Hinduism, Buddhism, Catholicism, Protestantism, Judaism, and even Paganism. I have realized that most religions are the same, though they fight over their “differences”. Every religion has a, for lack of better word, story. There is one being who is omniscient and omnipotent. Even in polytheistic religions, there are deities that control everything. In Greek mythology, the gods had power over the humans. In Christianity and Judaism, there is the same god with minor alterations to the story. Was Jesus the son of God or merely a man who led people to his teachings? Does anybody really know?

                This blog post may seem like it is going back and forth. That is because I don’t have the answer to any of these questions. I can throw facts at you, or tell you what each faith believes, but that won’t accomplish anything. I’m not here to preach, mostly because I wouldn’t know what to preach to you. I often find myself envying the people in my life for their unassailable faith. I sometimes worry that my brain is too logical and literal, and thus prevents me from believing in a higher power. I can see merit in the big bang theory or even can follow the idea of a creator. The concept of a God, however, baffles me. I have said more than once that I want to believe in something I just don’t know how. And truthfully, I don’t know what. I think this is a big reason I am against organized religion. I still think about having a wedding in a church, and if a baby is born in my family I ask when the baptism is. But are these just because that is how I was raised? Who says you have to subscribe to one religion? Can’t we mix and match? The Catholic Church is very set in its ways and leaves little room for leeway. Yet the same can be said for most organized religions. I have, or planned on having multiple tattoos that can be construed as religious. I have a ying yang, and Celtic knots. I also have drawn (and plan to get) a pentagram, ohm, and Celtic cross. Each tattoo will represent a part of my life that is important. When I was a senior in high school, we had a project where we had to create our own utopian society. I don’t remember much, but in my society I created a religion that was a blend of Buddhism and Paganism. At the time, I was obsessed with the show Charmed and loved everything about “witches”. As the years have gone by, I always find myself drawn to the religion of Paganism. I have learned that it is an umbrella term for many different things and often times a Pagan will mix and match. Perhaps that is what has appealed to me the most. I still have trouble with the concept of a deity, which many Pagans believe in. However, I find that I can relate to a path that combines the natural connectedness of Paganism with the balance of Buddhism (which is more of a philosophy than a religion). I follow the Wiccan calendar and try to give thanks on each of the Sabbats. However, I don’t pray to a god and have trouble believing in anything more than I can see.  I merely, send out thoughts to the universe and try to respect the world I live in. I try to incorporate moderation into most of the aspects of my life as well. I suppose my biggest question is why isn’t it enough? Do I have to believe in a god of some kind? Is it bad that I don’t have faith? Is it enough to have a fascination with Wicca and believe in the power of nature? Just because what I think doesn’t fit into the box of an organized religion, does that make it wrong? And last but not least, am I just confused because I am still young? Will this all change with time?

                If you have gotten this far, I want to thank you for sticking with me in this post. I know my thought process is not very linear. This is something that I think about often. I don’t think there are answers for all my questions. And I don’t know if answers will help. I am still learning how to control what I think. Perhaps when I gain that power, I will be able to understand what it is that I truly believe. For now, I will continue to explore and follow the path I have been on. Who knows, it could lead me somewhere great. So for now, to all my readers; Blessed Be, Namaste and Amen.