The Dark Day

      The black cloud hung suspended over the day. The sun was shining outside, but who wanted to look at that? So the windows remained closed and the curtains drawn. Not one ounce of sunshine was going to make it into the apartment. She merely rolled over in bed and pulled the covers up. With a pillow over her face she drifted in and out of an uneasy doze. Too awake to actually sleep, but too tired to get out of bed. She was just so damned tired. It occurred to her that she could have slept too much and was now overtired. But at the moment she just didn’t care. That was the problem with her brain. She logically knew what was happening but was powerless to stop it. She knew the fog wasn’t real, and that she would most likely feel better if she could just get up and make herself do something. But the bed was warm, the pillows comfortable, and there was nothing that absolutely needed to get done. So she snuggled in and stayed there until the urge to pee was too much. Because what comfy, cozy morning isn’t ruined by the need to get up and pee?

            Once she is out of bed, the light in the kitchen makes her more alert and she knows she can’t go back to bed. The spell is broken; the bed has lost its thrall. So she makes her daily lemon water and contemplates breakfast. Since it is almost noon she thinks about lunch, but breakfast is delicious no matter the time. She settles on an omelette but soon realizes she has eaten all the good vegetables. Can nothing go right today? Not to be discouraged, she uses the last egg and the remaining egg whites to make herself a small omelette. It isn’t the best, but it’ll do. The problem now is that she knows what is going to happen. Being in the house alone, she needs sound to keep her company. She isn’t reading a book at the moment, so she turns on the tv. It is a slippery slope because she knows that once she starts watching tv she runs the risk of being trapped. But she thinks she can handle it. She starts a show and thinks to herself “just one episode while I eat”. But one episode becomes 2 and two becomes 3. She doesn’t know where the time went and before she knows it she is 5 episodes in. Her body is uncomfortable from having been on the couch for so long. She even has developed a bad headache. But that just makes it worse. Because now her head hurts too much for her to do anything else. So she stretches out on the couch to change positions and hopefully alleviate the headache. And then she watches 5 more episodes. All the while she knows in one part of her brain that this is wrong. She wants to get up. She is doing so good exercising. She should work out. She should clean a little bit. She still hasn’t made the bed or washed the breakfast dishes. Baby steps right? So after episode 10, she gets up to start doing something. But upon standing she realizes she is starving. There are healthy foods in the house, she should eat those. Make a proper lunch. Instead she heats up some leftovers. Semi healthy, so it isn’t terrible. What is bad though, is she eats a few pieces of banana bread while they heat up. Chocolate chip banana bread. Then she grabs for the chips and eats a couple of those. All the while knowing she is making bad choices. As she sits to eat, she starts another episode. The man is staying at work late that night, so it buys her time before she has to make dinner. Still, she pushes it as far as she can before she makes herself go to the store for the chicken. The whole way there, and back, she berates herself for being so lazy. There is still time to work out. It just takes as little as 15 minutes. But the walk to the store, a mere 3 blocks, has sapped all her energy. She comes home and doesn’t even have the motivation to put the few groceries away. This is getting to be pathetic. She knows it, and hates herself for it. And yet, that doesn’t change anything. Mind over matter her butt, she thinks. Her mind often makes her feel terrible on these days. And yet matter always wins and she always ends up on the couch. Clearly the day before demonstrated that. She awoke early that day, and started out productively. Yet she still napped more than once in between getting things done. Now maybe she was just extra tired. But more likely, there was something wrong. It was the signs of a darker day to come. And this was that day. It was a day where no amount of mental abuse was going to get her off the couch. She felt blah, and listless. She had no energy, no motivation, and no desire to move. Actually, the last wasn’t true because the desire to be different is always there. But she has learned that it is exhausting to fight those feelings. And the times when she needs to fight the hardest are the times when her energy is lowest. It is a never ending, and losing battle. So she accepts that she will just have days where no light can get in. And there are days where she craves the light like air. There are terms that could be applied to her thought processes, but why label herself. Maybe someday those low days will go away. But for now, she will deal with them as they come.